Holiday Demonstrators Discover War on Christmas Declared by Bears

Protesters gathering to fight against the war on Christmas get second thoughts when they realize it was declared by bears all along.

MULLIGAN CREEK, ID—A group carrying picket signs held a rally yesterday to defend Christmas. “Stand up against the war on Christmas,” proclaimed the group’s Facebook page. But the protesters were shocked to realize that the real war on Christmas had not been declared by liberals, atheists, Jews or Muslims. It had been aggressively declared by bears.

As a group of aggravated grizzlies arrived at the protest hungry for battle, picketers immediately began to disband. “I didn’t sign up to fight a war with bears,” tweeted one protester. “They can have Christmas.” Only a handful of picketers made it out alive as the bears accepted the invitation to battle and showed a far superior capability for street combat.

“I didn’t sign up to fight a war with bears,” tweeted one protester. “They can have Christmas.”

When questioned later, the protest coordinator Melissa Hardwick of Life Song Community Family Church said, “I had never really thought about who it was that had declared war on Christmas. I think we assumed it was liberals or Jews or something less threatening. We just weren’t ready for bears.” The group has since declared surrender and the war on Christmas has tentatively been won by bears.

“They may have won the battle,” said Hardwick. She paused for a long while. “They’ll win the war too, if they haven’t all ready.”

“They may have won the battle,” said Hardwick. She paused for a long while. “They’ll win the war too, if they haven’t all ready.”

For now the war rages on, but all evidence points to an imminent victory for bears. “We should just enjoy Christmas while we still have it,” tweeted one of the protestors. Amen to that.

Ethan Nicolle Decembear 20, 2016 

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