Tremor Caused by Massive Underground Bear Mole

MANNAHASSEE, NT—A violent tremor shook Mannahassee this morning at 4:19 a.m. Local seismologists measured a 5.7 but were baffled by the source of the sudden shaking.

Scientists could find no common, observable factors that were characteristic of a typical earthquake. It took all night and most of the next day for them to discover what had caused the sudden shift in the earth’s surface. Special cameras were used to see into the earth’s crust where a horrifying discovery was made. Just beneath the surface, researchers discovered a bear mole the size of 20 city blocks.  Experts warn that the creature could emerge at any minute, ripping its star-nosed face through downtown Mannahassee and killing thousands.

The center for useless tips on what to do when a bear mole rips through the earth released these guidelines for public safety.

OFFICIAL BEAR MOLE SAFETY GUIDELINES

1) Hang plants in lightweight pots with closed hooks, well secured to a joist or stud and far away from windows.
2) Install strong latches on kitchen cabinets.
3) Use flexible connections where gas lines meet appliances.
4) Remove or lock refrigerator wheels, secure to studs.
5) Secure valuable electronics items such as computers and televisions.
6) Keep breakables in low or secure cabinets with latches.
7) Move heavy plants and other large items to floor or low shelves.
8) Hang mirrors and pictures and pictures on closed hooks.
9) Secure free-standing woodstove or fireplace insert.
10) Keep heavy unstable objects away from doors and exit routes.
11) Place bed away from windows or items that may fall.
12) Secure knick knacks and other small valuables with museum putty.
13) Brace overhead light fixtures.
14) Place only lightweight/soft items over bed.
15) Secure top-heavy furniture to studs.
16) Secure water heater with metal straps attached to studs.
17) Trim hazardous tree limbs.
18) Store fire extinguisher (type ABC) in easily accessible location.
19) Keep several flashlights in easily accessible places around the house.
20) Keep wrench or turn-off tool in waterproof wrap near gas meter.
21) Know the location of your main electrical switch (fuse box or circuit breaker).
22) Have your emergency plan accessible and discuss with all family members.
23) Know whether you live, work, or play in a tsunami hazard zone.
24) Obtain a NOAA Weather Radio with the Public Alert feature to notify you of tsunamis and other hazards.
25) Keep a flashlight, slippers and gloves next to beds.
26) Keep gas tank at least half full.
27) Keep an emergency backpack with copies of important documents near the door to grab and go.
28) Store emergency food and water supplies in a dry accessible area. Include first aid kit, extra cash, portable radio, extra batteries, medications and other necessary supplies.
29) Use anchor bolts every 4 to 6 feet to secure home to a foundation.
30) Reinforce brick chimneys.
31) Drop, cover, hold on.
32) Die.

Ethan Nicolle Octobear 12, 2016 

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