A new Bible Translation That Embraces Grizzly Details: the Bearble
The latest Bible translation might be hard to bear for some, but recent findings show that the holy text has more grizzly details than we thought.
It’s the most radical re-translation since Joseph Smith and the seer stones, but it’s backed by top scholars in linguistics and archaeology. “This translation is airtight,” said Clifford Shapiro, chief translator at the Center for Biblical Accuracy. “No further translations will ever be needed.” The team of over 75 researchers all agreed that the Bearble is the most accurate version of scripture of all time and the new discoveries are too significant to be ignored.
How about that old story about the Flood? Turns out Noah was only building a shelter to hide from a worldwide bear attack. The thing that destroyed Samson was bears. King David built his kingdom on bear power, riding them like horses and using them in war. Even the philosophies of the new Testament have been heavily affected. What were once known as “the Beatitudes” are now “the Bearatitudes” in which Christ says “blessed are the bears for they will inherit the earth” clearly stating that Bearmageddon is coming for mankind and leading up to Revelations, a book that outlines how ursine hordes of every kind will descend upon the earth and wipe humankind off of it.
Most significant is the realizations about the strange and previously confusing story in 2King 2:23-25 about Elisha and the two bears, one of the only sections that went unchanged. In the recounting, Elisha is called a bald man by a group of youths and he sends two she bears to kill them. This turns out to be consistent throughout the Bible. The Egyptians did not drown in the Red Sea, they were killed by two armies of bears coming at them from either side when Moses summoned them. The plagues of Egypt were all bear related.
“It turns out that the entire Bible is one big story of how God gave mankind bears to defend them from evil and destroy their enemies, but mankind in his foolishness did not accept this free gift,” said Katherine Hoopler, another translator on the CBT team.
The Bearble is in Christian bookstores everywhere and you can listen to it for free on your Bible app, read aloud by Nick Offerman. Christian publisher Zonderman is already working with Matt Lucado on a book of Bearvotionals which will be available next spring titled “Bear With Each Other in Love”.
Then there’s the story of how Job returned home to discover 2 touched bowls of cereal and one completely empty. Plus a bear in one of his beds.
You laugh. Wait until you have your very own copy of Lent with St. Corbinian’s Bear in hand. No, this is not a joke, although it perhaps should be.